“Jalen’s mom told him I don’t have a real mom because of this.” My then first-grader perfectly mimicked smoking, thumb and forefinger pressed to his lips. “What does that mean?”
My son was placed with me through foster care as an infant, fresh off methadone for heroin withdrawal. As he grew, we had gentle, age-appropriate, honest conversations about what I knew to be true of the parents he had visits with but didn’t really know. “Your mom and dad have an illness. They love you very much and are trying to get well so they can bring you home.” Unfortunately, that day never came. His adoption finalized just before his fifth birthday. Shortly after, his mom was found deceased in the garage of an abandoned home. Despite hurt feelings from the TPR trial, his dad and I connected and worked together on how and what to tell him. When his father passed a few years later, his relatives didn’t inform us to “protect” him from more hurt. This only added to his grief when we eventually found out. And it forever damaged those relationships.
There is still a school of thought that, as caregivers, we protect children by avoiding talking about hard truths. Although understandable, this approach carries a message of shame. And without open and honest conversations, children make up their own stories. Worse yet, people like Jalen’s mom weave gossip-based stories for them. Children deserve better. Here are some tips for answering tough questions:
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Get to know the child’s family, where possible, to give the child accurate information.
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Work cooperatively with the child’s family to address tough topics.
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Be honest, but respectful of the family’s privacy. Avoid unnecessary details.
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Share information at an age/developmentally appropriate level.
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Carefully word your responses. For example: “Your parents have the illness of addiction” vs. “Your parents are meth addicts.”
Lastly, let the children in your care know you are a safe place for them to ask their questions and express feelings about the answers.
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