“If a securely attached child were removed from a securely attached parent and went through the same visitation process as a child in foster care–that child would experience the same post-visit dysregulation.”
~ Dr. Gerald Costa, Childhood Mental Health Expert
For a child in foster care, the process of visiting with their family can often feel like this: An unfamiliar person comes to pick you up from the unfamiliar home where you’re living. They take you to an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar building filled with unfamiliar sounds and scents to spend time with your family, whom you have been missing desperately. After two hours of being hugged by your dad, having your hair braided by your mom, and playing with your sisters, another unfamiliar person takes you from your family again and returns you.
Is it any wonder that children and even older youth return from family visits dysregulated and reverting to acting out and angry behaviors? Yet research consistently shows that regular and frequent visits produce positive outcomes for children: shorter stays in care, improved well-being, and a greater likelihood of reunification.
Following are some tips for helping a child in your care regulate before or after a visit with their family.
- Let the child know about the visit in advance and help plan for it.
- Give them your undivided emotional support before and after.
- Reassure them you understand how hard it must be to visit with family and have to leave again.
- Encourage physical activity to help them regulate. Challenge them to a dance-off (which can also prove comic relief) or a game of hoops.
- Have a post-visit routine they enjoy, like a stop at the comic book store or ice cream stand.
- Speak about their family in a positive way and express an interest in learning about them.
- Be patient and empathetic.
Recommended Resources
From the Resource Library
- Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors, by Robyn Gobbel
- Toby Visits Mommy: A book for children who see their parents only during scheduled visitations, by Enid Solomon, MFT
- Another Mother: Co-Parenting with the Foster Care System, by Sarah Gerstenzang
- The Emotions Book: A Little Story About BIG Feelings, by Liz Fletcher
Additional Resources
